Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
The following is a list — a gentle reminder, for anyone who has ever had a hard time trusting in a new relationship, allowing someone to love them, especially in an era of crazy-making social media.
Maybe you have an overactive mind coupled with a bad habit of telling yourself false stories. Maybe you allow social media or the person your dating’s behavior (occasional silence, resting face, tone of voice, texting habits, etc.) dictate your mood, spin you out, and make you an unstable, untrusting, insecure shell of yourself.
If so, use this list of helpful tips and tricks to get you out of your head, out of your own way, and move you towards having a calmer and happier relationship. Let this list help you trust, put your attention back on YOU, and come back home to yourself.
The List:
While the Four Agreements says “DON’T make assumptions..."
•Always assume your partner likes you — loves you even.
•Always assume the best of him/her/them.
•Assume they’re not cheating or disrespecting you.
If they are, you’ll be sure to find out naturally, without anticipating or digging for it. So relax and be happy.
and
•Let things be sweet and happy and calm for three weeks.
Don’t start a fight, ask about exes, ask for validation, or reassurance, or if they still like you, don't like you, like you less — for 21 days. Doing something for three weeks creates habit change. Fight the urge to make a problem where there is none for three weeks and see how your relationship with your partner (and yourself) changes for the better; notice if your partner's mood, excitement for you, happiness, romance, level of sharing/trust/talking improves. I bet it will… because both of you won’t be walking on eggshells anymore.
•Dive into your life.
Get inspired and excited about your own life and all the things you need/want to do for YOU: career, friends, family, hobbies, art, reading, writing, cooking, museums, dreams, aspirations, yoga, exercise, long walks, meditation, listening to podcasts, making money, anything! This will change everything!
Be who you were before they met you. Be the in control, glamorous, seductive, driven, sexy, successful, funny, smart, grounded person you authentically are and were born to be.
•If they treat you well and you keep picking on your partner asking for more compliments, validation, attention… you become the monster.
Check yourself. Are your expectations unrealistic? Are you even acknowledging the loving gestures your partner DOES make? Sure, your partner should not be a cold jerk, making mean sarcastic jokes at your expense, with no empathy, who doesn’t respect you or make you a priority. No way. Sure, compliments, open communication, and free-flowing kindness/validation/reassurance/affection/patience are all excellent and hopefully happening… but are you even paying attention to the good things?
Will you never be satiated? Ask yourself that. Be self-aware.
Don’t criticize your partner. Never criticize.
Don’t try to make your partner jealous. That’s beneath you — rude, unkind, and childish/insecure/embarrassing behavior.
•Don’t share EVERY thought and feeling you have with your partner.
Don’t turn every single time you hang out with your partner an opportunity to ‘talk’ and have a state of the union address about your relationship.
If NOT sharing all your feelings makes you feel like you aren’t acting like ‘yourself’ and honest with your partner… WRONG! That’s your ego trying to manipulate you again. Unloading bullshit on your partner isn’t who you are. Only share things that are truly authentic and necessary and watch how it helps you connect to and attract people.
Remember, sometimes the dialogue between the voices in your head isn’t true. Most of the time it’s your ego saying the meanest lies it can come up with, trying to perpetuate a belief system that you picked up long ago that is evil, only trying to hurt you, bent on creating separation.
Get out of your own way. Go to a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting.
•Meditate, you lunatic!
Yes, you’ve heard that a million times, but actually do it! Reconnect with yourself. Quietly tell yourself this: Thank you for the unfolding of this relationship.
•Just notice how your partner is in the world.
Don’t create demands or expectations on another person. If you feel your partner has all the power in the relationship: YOU’RE the one actively giving your power away. They can’t do this for you. You have to realign with yourself and reground yourself.
•When feeling hysterical, insecure, terrified and out of control — remember this:
It’s the little kid version of you who is insecure, and it’s this inner child feeling these out of control feelings. Learn to lead with the adult you, not your wounded child. Don’t let the little, wounded child version of you be emotionally in charge. You have to be in charge, not your inner child.
Stop being hyper-vigilant and anticipating problems that aren’t real.
Burn the words “Right” and “Wrong.” Your ego is always trying to be ‘right.’ This isn’t helpful. This will only create separation. Eliminate the words ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ from your vocabulary.
•Be mindful of your thoughts.
When a negative one floats in, substitute it with a positive, more upbeat, forward momentum kind of thinking. When you hear a voice in your mind say something mean, like ‘They hate me,’ push it aside. It’s just ego, and it’s not real. Ease up on the texting and the constant need to engage/be reassured. You’re enough. Constant communication doesn’t dictate your worth. Use fewer words.
Stop looking at your partner's Twitter and Instagram activity. This is very important; it's a game changer.
Take a break on always being the one to initiate a text. Let your partner miss you and come to YOU.
Move FORWARD. Don’t talk about exes, old fights, or the past.
•Let the relationship be good.
It will be if you let it.
If you genuinely take the time to follow this guide — eliminating those bad habits that stem from fear, anxiety, and past relationships/childhood PTSD/trauma, etc. — AND THEN you discover it’s not a fit and you aren’t happy/don’t feel connected/feel like you can’t be yourself around them/feel like you’re walking on eggshells and just don’t feel the love and affection you require to feel happy in the relationship, it’s okay to leave.
You gave it your best shot. You took the time to take off your blinders and get a handle on past behavior/habitual patterns that no longer serve you — long enough to give this relationship a real and honest chance. Freeing yourself of behavior that no longer serves you and learning who you really are, and being able to co-exist with another, stripped of your wounded child's habits and defenses is SO important.
And the time you spent learning and growing in the relationship, whether it works out or not, is always worth it and nothing to regret! Keep going!
Love, Alexi
